Journal Entry from March 13 2009

I wish to deposit things meaningless and pointless but relieving and believing that there’s a hidden purpose and a deeper force acting through me for me with me. Its helpful and healthful to do it and perhaps I’m meant to. I’m in the mood to let it slide just let it slip and slide and slither out and squeeze it out every last drop of it. But not in a forced way, just really natural and really easy, smooth writing. So there’s an element of regret but the word triggers hesitation because it implies something negative. But what’s wrong with the negatives? Aren’t they necessary for there to also be positives, unless we want to be zeroes forever. And I guess that’s a worthwhile goal anyway, but it’s not really in my control. So for now I just have to be with the moment, do what is there to be done, feel what is there to be felt, in a genuine manner, be really frank with myself. I’m done with the self-delusion. Hopefully. And in this case, I wish to be erased, I hope for the disappearance of my face, I try to make gone my states. The grace that is here is near and dear. It is a lovely place but can turn ugly in a second. What is the remedy? Why am I looking for a remedy? I’ve noticed there are always a lot of questions when I write things down. This is interesting, it is a state of mind, this questioning state. Is it good or bad? There I am questioning again. Maybe I shouldn’t ask, but I should just let it be. Just drop them all. There is an amount of tension associated with the questioning attitude, because stress builds up when a doubt begins to consume the mind, and these questions are nothing but that: doubts. And in fact, the humble approach is perhaps better: the attitude of I simply don’t know, so chillax. Just take it easy and don’t worry so much about answers because they don’t really solve anything. The real answers aren’t thoughts. The real solutions involve letting go and feeling free and being me genuinely. This is not always an easy thing to do but this is what im trying to learn. Also this process to depositing my thoughts as soon as they form is really helpful because it allows me to view them at a distance and this is a good way to introspect. If I am interested in learning more about the way in which my innermost mind works, surely this is a very helpful method to do it. Also, john frusciante said that he finds this a very helpful activity as well, I don’t know what there is about him that makes me feel trusting and comfortable and hopeful and happy. I noticed just now that as soon as I mentioned his name, I kind of hesitated and had the impulse to delete it for some reason. There was a bit of tension which arose but I subverted it by noticing it. Also, I told myself that it goes against the purposes of this activity to delete what I write down, it also goes against the whole practice of being honest with myself if I try to censor my thoughts. I should just accept them all and be ok with them, they don’t really mean much after all in the end. And my writings also don’t really mean much and so it doesn’t matter what I write, it doesn’t matter in the least. I feel I need to have this attitude in order to be able to be genuine with myself and to finally beat this powerful force that wishes to mask certain things that are happening inside because of fear or insecurity. I need to cultivate this ability to be able to face the truth of what is happening inside at all times and not shrink away from it in fear. I don’t want to live my life in constant fear of myself or of my thoughts I want to gain mastery over my mind and my thoughts and eventually my experience.

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