Journal Entry from October 13 2010

So, what to say today for this play. to say anything at all is to say enough for the tall. this technique of rambling ever onwards is like a giant freak that scrambles severs and wanders. but who knows what this may reveal of dreams that partake in the nonsense of meaning? holy men may sit for days on end, disciples waving mysterious sticks in ceremonial flips and twists for the divine blessings that may in this manner be swift. but what tomfoolery is all this? what is needed is not more charade, of which the world is full up to the brim, even overfull and spilling. we are all trained actors. memorized our favorite roles. seared the repertoire of behaviors upon our neurons like how with a cattle-prod the herder sears his cow’s flesh. for identification. individuation, we think? but in truth it is mere conformity, from fear of being alone, allayed by this despicable safety in numbers; from a wailing insecurity and lack of courage to think things through for oneself, as though we were all still children lost in an alien town, looking for mommy and daddy, trying not to be spotted out and eaten alive, dodging fire and earth, hiding deep beneath mirth, lies the festering wound. as from a berth we are borne, from birth to birth. sailing for ever on this ocean of alien. forever to hide and dodge, when alien is big, to bludgeon and prod, when us is more than them. why is the world so like this? and why am i constantly rediscovering this? in other words, why does the veil so rapidly fall back into place? so many troubles to face, and our time here is perilous. disgrace, or wait for grace. but im just looking to efface. deface until nothing remains. vacate the premises. from nowhere to nowhere. it was all an elegant illusion from the start, so that the ending appears to one who is just starting as an annihilation of a substance. it is surely a negation. but not of any thing, but of the belief in things. how is one to make sense of any of this? why look for any sense? everyone is so attracted to intelligence, they worship it even. they don’t believe in a God but they believe in their intelligence, and project this into the fiction of the almighty, as a sort of extrapolation of their abilities. people don’t believe in anything outside their own being, they see it all as a stage, a phantasm world created for their enjoyment, for their benefit. this must be so, for why else would anyone be dumbfounded when this turns out to be at odds with the true state of affairs? when hardships ensue, people react with a sort of disappointment, with surprise, with anger and aversion and resistance, and they struggle against it, all the while imagining that life was never meant to turn out like this, that the easy and comfortable and happy and good life was their right, promised to them and destined for them from time immemorial, always having been fashioned exclusively for them; how then has it shown such indifference and cruelty and pitilessness? the world doesn’t care about me. and i had better realize this before delusions lay siege and take me hostage. learn self-sufficiency. overcome boredom and loneliness. cultivate a secluded reclusive lifestyle. avoid fools and confused people who seek only to entertain themselves at your expense. if you meet wise people, gravitate towards them, and ask for their advice and help in the path which you must ultimately walk alone. but this world produces wisdom as often as it does ice ages, so for the most part aloneness is to be pursued. i worry about social awkwardness sometimes, but is this not just my desire to be in good standing among my peers, arising from the same desire not to be shunned and rejected because i want to be respected and admired, because i am vain and self-conscious of it? it is very hard to finally and fully let go of the grip of the oppressive opinions of others. i desire these because i still desire friends, and so make many sacrifices on that account. better i would be to stop this foolishness and concentrate fully on my task. my task is freedom and happiness, and i will not falter or loiter in my walk thereto. another thing is my desire for a girlfriend, but again i sense that this emerges from several things contrary to my rational beliefs: some sort of a social expectation of it, a desire for companionship to escape boredom and loneliness, a desire for sexual gratification. if this is what motivates me to seek romantic relationship then i know that i should not seek it. i must love all people and all creatures and all things, while restraining myself only to those that genuinely need me and whatever meager help i may be able to give and eliminating any desire i have for them. this will minimize the burden that i will place on society, and while it will leave me socially isolated, an outcast, a recluse, it will give me a chance to grow unfettered by the tyrannies of petty trivial common mundane human life.

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