today was a descent down this staircase. i dropped from the grace and the light which i had inhabited for the past week, down to a more conditioned and habitual dark place.
it wasn’t all bad though. i woke up with a very negative mood in the foreground of my mind. thoughts overwhelmed me and anxiety seemed ready to make my mind explode. try as hard as i could to return to the present moment, but to no avail. my mind was under siege. the legions of the ego had mounted an assault so vicious as to nearly drown me in self-pity and negativity.
after breakfast though, things changed. i sat a 15-20 minute meditation. it was enormously relieving. those 17 or 18 minutes of directed presence in the stability of the lotus position truly brought me back to the NOW and rejuvenated my exhausted mind. the world was beautiful again. thoughts cleared like so many dark clouds which disappear at the end of a terrible storm and give way to the glorious light of the sun. but there was still something ominous in the background that i could not fully dispose of. i had to simply accept it. it foreshadowed the resurgence of the negativity of the morning.
throughout the afternoon, and the rest of the waning day, i gradually dropped down the staircase again into darkness. the ego spares no opportunities. it immediately pounced on my disoriented and troubled state. i began feeling anger. simple raw and unjustified anger. but i was powerless against it. doubt about my Buddha-nature arose as well. i was on the verge of giving up and ending everything. however, i remembered my resolution to practice Right Effort. so, i toiled on, coming back to my breathing for less than a millisecond and then blown apart by the violence of my thoughts. and then repeating that process for as many times as i needed to.
i learned today to strive on through the tough times and most importantly of all to accept everything that happens. to be at peace on the inside is to forgive everything on the inside. to surrender to it. to allow it to be. and to maintain my Effort to be mindful, everyday, no matter what state of mind i find myself in.
“Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.”