today i traveled a zigzag path from moments of bliss to moments of desperation and experienced quite random but intense mood swings.
woke up very early, head full of stupidity and thoughts. meditated for 10 minutes, which only marginally brought me back to the present moment. i spent the whole beginning of the day in a strange dull kind of stupor. i could muster neither awareness nor energy to apply Right Effort to bring awareness into the haze. overall, today was quite dark indeed.
however, one moment of brightness refreshed me when i went for a run. as soon as i started on the treadmill, an intense pain flared up throughout my calf. my first instinct was to wince in pain and curse my flimsy legs. however, the next instant i realized that my negativity surrounding my leg pains was only because of the way i interpreted the pain. it was only because i feared the pain and what the pain might imply. as soon as i had made that realization, i was freed from the fear. a spontaneous field of joy and presence instantly surrounded me. my run was filled with great and blissful mindfulness. but by the time i had gotten back home, the energy for presence was drained and i was back in the darkness.
there was one more fear-realization-emancipation episode which took place in the afternoon when i went for a ride in the car. again, i found myself afraid of my dad’s driving and of a vast multitude of different projected situations. and again, i was back in wonderland for a fleeting car ride, at the end of which i had sunk back to hell.
today illustrated the uneven and randomly oscillating path to freedom. i experienced depths of frustration and negativity as well as heights of presence. that is the essence of zigzagday. also, the picture is rose-tinted to illustrate various bouts with desire i had to battle with today. i saw the world through the rose-tinted spectacles of craving.
“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.”