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today at times i fired off a metaphorical gun into my own frantic head and at others into the undeserving heads of others…
i woke up very early this morning, around 6, and could not get back to sleep. as soon as i awoke, my mind was already on the racetrack sprinting with erratic nonsensical thoughts. also crowding my mind were theatrical hypothetical situations where i practiced what i would say, should say, could say and do in these given situations. i was literally jumping from one frantic episode to the next. and there was nothing i could do to stop this. i was in despair. i desperately wanted to go to sleep but the ridiculous chaos raging on inside refused to dim down. this was all revolving around a certain incident that took place yesterday which involved my father becoming upset at me for not consulting him before making my sister an email account with Gmail. now at the time this situation sent me off into my own inner turmoil that, as of this morning, i had still not recovered from. i was so enraged at the possibility that anyone could be so insecure as to require controlling the email use of a 12-year old in order to reassert his authority. however, i knew deep down inside that this was not something to blame someone for or get angry at someone for having. this was an illness, a sickness, and it was begging for help in a muffled voice. my own reaction upon hearing my father’s scolding words was to call him a “dictator” in a rather harsh manner. the turmoil was thus a combination of guilt at having allowed my anger to be expressed in a hurtful manner, guilt at even being angry in the first place, and the anger itself. these merged and mixed and combined and coalesced to form an absolutely bottomless pit of raging storms and blinding fires and ghoulish horrors.
i maintained and harbored a grudge after the incident until later that night when he approached me and spoke to me about something unrelated in a pacified and gentle tone. he seemed almost apologetic and this sent me tumbling upon horrific waves of absolute guilt and regret and unbelievable self-loathing at having expressed something hurtful to him and then to have him come and appease me afterwards with a kind gesture as such. i just felt so bad about it and as i went to sleep, i had still not dealt with this incident and i was still reeling from the memory of what had happened.
this morning, eventually, i got back to sleep and woke up several hours later. i meditated, not very comfortably and in a not too stable manner. it didn’t last long and i was still quite troubled. i have not been very present during the day. all in all, i can say that my path has been dealt a quite powerful blow in the form of a lead bullet piercing straight through my heart, poisoning and corrupting. the best course of action now is to learn, acknowledge, and move on. the lesson is that anger places a deadly gun in my hands and poisons my mind into squeezing the trigger without consideration and without conscious reflection. anger is a deadly and destructive emotion and my lesson must be to learn how to manage it in a healthy manner. i must learn to dissolve the bitter taste of anger in the enormous ocean of sweet love that exists within me before it has a chance of hurting anyone. and after properly absorbing this lesson, i must move on and die to the past. i am born again every moment after dieing to the previous moment, so there is no use in clinging on to residual guilt and regret that has latched on to me in a previous moment and refused to unlatch itself of its own accord. i must truly die to this regret, and this is what i shall be attempting to do now.
may anger never again poison another human heart from purity and love into hurtfulness and hatred.
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
2 thoughts on “gunfireday”
I can identify with this quite a lot. I sometimes wake up and my mind is all over the place. It can ruin a whole days mindfulness and attention if I’m not careful.
The anger is another thing that I know well. Sometimes I have said or done things that are totally inappropriate and it disturbs the practice for the day and sometimes beyond that.
Trying to be clear and calm in all situations is a noble goal, but being aware of our shortcomings and knowing anger or restlessness when it is there is still better then getting carried away and being oblivious even though that can happen at times. I wish you well in your practice of the Dhamma.
I deeply appreciate your comment and I am grateful that you have taken the time to relate to my post.
You are right that pure and simple awareness is the key and as much as we may wish to be free completely from anger, this is only wishful thinking. In the meantime we must learn to allow our mindfulness to include even our aggravated states of mind in its loving embrace of pure awareness.
Thank you for sharing this with me; it has helped remind me of my commitment to the path. May you be well and mindful in your practice.